GAME CHANGERS

PHASE 3: DEVELOPING TRUST

THE ONE THING THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING

Trust is the one thing that changes everything.

Trust is one of the most powerful forms of motivation and inspiration.

Trust is confidence.

What is the opposite of trust? Distrust. Suspicion. Skepticism. Doubt.

Think about someone you trust.

What is your relationship like with this person? How do you feel towards them? What is your communication like? Why do you trust them?

Take a minute and answer those questions.

Maybe for you this person is your mom or dad, or maybe a coach or teacher.

Now, think about someone you don’t trust.

What is your relationship like with this person? How do you feel towards them? What is your communication like? Why don’t you trust them?

Really think about your relationship with this person you don’t trust.

Let’s compare.

Which person…

  • Do you feel understands you?

  • Cares about you?

  • Is easy to work with?

  • Gets stuff done quickly?

  • Do you feel guarded and misunderstood?

  • Leaves you feeling drained?

  • Do you enjoy being around?

Simply put, trust often defines a relationship. If you don’t trust them, the relationship is probably bad. If you do trust someone, it is probably good.

There is one person who is involved in every relationship you have…and that person is YOU!

If you can’t trust yourself, you will have a hard time trusting anyone else.

So, what is the key to having incredible confidence?

First, you must trust yourself.

This is an ongoing process! Building trust – or losing trust – is a daily activity.

Once you trust yourself, you will be able to trust others.

Trust will allow you to get what you want faster.

Distrust has cost. It is very expensive! 

Not only will it cost you your dreams, but think of all the opportunities, friendships, and success you will miss out on if you don’t trust yourself or other people.

The cost is huge.

Building trust does take work, but it is work worth doing.

It is the one thing that will change everything!

I want to invite you to fully commit to doing the small, simple, and sometimes silly things that really will increase your confidence and trust in yourself.

Because on the court, and in your life, you’re going to need to trust yourself if you’re going to become the best you can be. 

Are you ready to take your confidence to the next level?

If you are, Join me in the next video!

TRUST 101

Trust is the result of two things: character and capability.

Building your character and improving your capabilities will increase your confidence! 

So, what is your character, and how do you build it?

Your character is a combination of your mental and moral qualities. 

Character includes your integrity – what you say and do when no one is watching or can hold you accountable. Integrity is holding yourself accountable and the ability to be honest – to do what you believe to be right.

Character includes your motives and intent – the reasons you have for doing or not doing something, and the “why” behind your behavior.

Now, let’s take a look at your capabilities.

Your power or ability to do something, your skills, your knowledge, your achievements, and your track record – your actual results – are all part of your capabilities.

“Trust is absolutely key to long-term success.” – Jim Burke

You must trust yourself first. 

Do you believe you can trust yourself? Can you prove to yourself that you are trustworthy – to yourself?

Let’s pretend that you have been called as an expert witness in a court of law. 

How would you convince the jury that you are a credible witness?

Stephen M.R. Covey has what he call’s the 4 Cores of Credibility. 

In order for anyone to believe you, you would need four things:

  1. Integrity – a reputation for being truthful and honest.

  2. Good intent – that you aren’t trying to deceive or protect anyone and have no hidden agenda.

  3. Credentials – skills, expertise, knowledge, and capability in specific area.

  4. Results – your track record demonstrates you can produce the results you want.

In this court of law, how would someone try to prove you are NOT credible?

  1. Dishonest – you lack integrity, lie, or are unreliable.

  2. Poor intent – you have a hidden agenda, are manipulative, or biased.

  3. Unqualified – lack credentials, knowledge, skill, or expertise in a specific area.

  4. Poor results – your track record shows that you don’t have the ability to produce the results you want.

It’s the little things that gradually weaken and destroy credibility.

“Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.” – Albert Einstein

 

Building your character and capabilities is a life long pursuit.

Identifying weaknesses in your character or capabilities requires humility, courage, and strength.

So, what is a character trait you want to improve? 

First, you must know what values and principles you believe in. By now, you hopefully have identified the values most important to you AND that will bring you results you want.

So, your character would be how aligned you are with living your values and principles.

Ultimate authenticity is when what you think, feel, say, and do are all the same.

What is a situation where you are not aligned with your values?

Do you “walk your talk” and lead by example?

Are you clear on your values?

Do you make and keep commitments to yourself? 

What do you stand for?

When do you find yourself complaining or comparing?

What are your motives? Do you want to bless or impress?

The answers to these questions might help you identify a character trait you want to strengthen.

Confidence is created through character and capabilities. Building your character will strengthen your confidence.

Next, let’s identify some of your current capabilities.

  • What are your unique strengths or talents?

  • Things that seem to come naturally to you?

  • Talents you haven’t developed yet?

  • Attitudes that are helpful?

  • Skills you are successful with?

  • Knowledge you already have?

  • How your personality and unique approach to problems help you?

Pause the video if necessary to really go deep on these questions. I want you to really acknowledge all the ways you are currently capable of being successful.

Now, how can you become more capable?

What skill are you not confident in?

What skills will you need in the future that you don’t currently have?

Are you constantly upgrading your skills?

Where are you underperforming or not getting results you want?

What is your track record when the pressure is on?

Do you need more knowledge? 

Who is someone you think is more skilled than you? Why?

What results are you getting? How are you getting those results?

Decide on one way you want to increase your capabilities.

This week, I want to invite you to start trusting yourself on a deeper level.

One simple way you can do this is to make and keep commitments to yourself. 

Remember, commitments are 100%, all-in decisions.

Don’t make the mistake of making too many commitments, or making commitments impulsively.

When keeping your commitment becomes hard, you have two choices:

  1. Change your behavior to match your commitment.

  2. Lower your values to match your behavior.

 One choice will strengthen your character, the other will diminish it and damage your confidence in your ability to make and keep commitments in the future.

Making and keeping commitments to yourself is the fastest way to build confidence and trust in yourself.

That is your challenge this week!

Truly trusting yourself is a game changer, so do something today to sharpen your skills and stand up for what you believe in.

Commit to doing this every day and you will take your confidence to the next level!

SELF-TALK

“The most powerful words in the universe, are the words you say to yourself.” – Marie Forleo

There is a battle going on in your mind. 

The problem is, you don’t realize a battle is taking place every single day!

There is a Native American story about this battle called The Two Wolves.

It says that inside each of us, there are two wolves, one is a black wolf and the other is a white wolf. It is similar to the Yin and the Yang concept.

The black wolf represents the Yin – negativity, anger, worry, self-pity, resentment, lies, chaos, softness, darkness, and the unknown.

The white wolf represents the Yang – positivity, joy, peace, kindness, truth, compassion, order, hardness, strength, brightness, and familiarity.

Every day, these wolves are battling. Which wolf will win?

The one you feed.

While these wolves might seem like total opposites, they actually compliment each other, and are interdependent. One cannot exist without the other. Each contains the seed of its opposite. Neither can be defeated entirely, because they need the other in order to exist.

So in your mind, you have a black wolf (you), a white wolf (also you), and your SELF (the other you). 

Your SELF is the one who watches the battle that is taking place, and is the one who decides which wolf gets fed. Remember, neither wolf can die, but the battle is ongoing. The wolf that gets fed will become stronger, while the other will become weaker.

Your self-talk is like these wolves!

Which wolf are you feeding?

Are you even aware of your self-talk?

Most of you aren’t. Talking to ourselves is so natural and automatic, it can be difficult to recognize which wolf we are feeding.

This is why journaling is such an important habit. 

The first step toward changing the way you treat yourself is noticing when you are feeding the black wolf.

Whenever you start to feel negative about something, think about what you just said to yourself.

  • What words did you use?

  • What key phrases did say?

  • What was the tone of your voice?

  • What judgement or criticism did you notice?

Maybe you notice yourself feeling negative after shooting an air ball or missing a serve.

When you tell yourself:

  • Wow, that was embarrassing. 

  • You suck! Why are you so bad?

  • You’ll never be good enough. Maybe you should quit.

How do you feel?

This critical and judgemental self talk usually creates discouragement, frustration, and shame.

None of those feelings will allow you to perform at a high level!

So, what can you do when you notice the black wolf is being fed?

Stop feeding it. Challenge it!

Recognize that you get to decide what voice you listen to!

You can stop feeding the black wolf in a couple different ways.

  1. Acknowledge that the criticism isn’t helpful. 

  2. Thank the wolf for trying to protect you, keep you safe, or for pointing out ways you can improve.

  3. Soften the words – instead of “you suck” try “you messed that one up” or “you missed an opportunity” or another phrase that is a bit less harsh and more gentle.

  4. Act kindly to yourself. Use a simple, comforting gesture. 

Alexander Pope famously said, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.”

As a human, you will make mistakes. When faced with human imperfection, you can either respond with judgment and criticism, or with kindness and care.

You might not be able to start feeding the white wolf right away, but you can stop feeding the black wolf by choosing to not believe the judgments offered.

Challenge the black wolf – remember, the things the black wolf says are filled with lies. Find the lie to expose the truth!

Never forget that a good lie can become the truth.

So, this week I want you to identify your self talk! 

Keeping your journal close by will help you with this, but I want to encourage you to be mindful of your self talk.

Recognize what wolf you are feeding.

Look for ways you can feed your white wolf.

Because the battle for your life – your dreams, your future – is won or lost in your mind.

What you get in your life – your results, your success or lack of success – will be determined by which one you feed.

SELF-COMPASSION

What is self-compassion?

Kristen Neff is an expert on self-compassion and much of what I am about to share with you comes from her research. Her definition of self-compassion is unique.

Kristen Neff says that self-compassion is all about accepting yourself as you are.

It means you value your shortcomings just as much as your strengths.

Why would you want to value your shortcomings?

Several reasons. 

Did you know that any strength pushed to the extreme becomes a weakness? That means, your greatest strength could also be your greatest weakness.

Weaknesses are part of being human. By valuing them, you can give them the attention they deserve to improve them, if you want to!

Without weaknesses, you could not grow and progress, and thus would not be able to experience true happiness that comes from overcoming, growing, and achieving. 

Another reason is to accept help. Weaknesses give you an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with others by allowing them to help you. You can add people to your life, your team, who compliment you, and visa versa.

Every setter loves having a strong hitter to set to. Every point guard appreciates having a strong post player on their team. 

Sometimes, a weakness or shortcoming can point you in the right direction. Finding things you are not strong at can lead you to other talents you want to pursue.

Strengths and weaknesses are part of being human. They are what make you, YOU!

Really embracing this will help you be more compassionate to yourself and others.

Self-compassion is key for dealing with struggle and painful situations.

Whenever you feel negative, self-compassion is the answer.

Compassion literally means to suffer with.

Self-compassion is giving yourself comfort because you are suffering, not to make yourself feel better right away.

Self-compassion is different than self-esteem.

Self-esteem is wanting to feel proud of yourself, often even to the point of feeling better than other people – above average, special, and significant.

Trying to have high self-esteem is difficult when you make mistakes or struggle. Negative, critical, and judgemental self-talk is often be the result.

The good news is, you don’t have to feel good about yourself when you struggle! Self-compassion is a much more useful too. I’ll show you why!

SELF-COMPASSION EXERCISE

  • I want you to think of a situation that causes you stress.
    Maybe you have a friend, a coach, or another relationship that stresses you out. Or perhaps there is a situation in a game or at practice that stresses you out.

  • Now, visualize that situation clearly.
    Maybe it is game point and it’s your turn to serve.
    Perhaps your team is down by 2 and there’s 30 seconds on the clock.
    Maybe you missed your serve and your team lost the game.
    Whatever the situation, imagine it in detail.

  • Say to yourself something like:
    “This is stressful.”
    “This is hard.”
    “This is a moment that hurts.”
    Practice mindfulness, which is acknowledging your experience without diminishing it or becoming overly dramatic.

  • Next, say to yourself something like:
    “I’m not alone.”
    “Pain and struggle are part of the game (life).”
    “Other athletes experience this, just like me.”
    “This is how it feels when athletes struggle.”

  • Now, offer yourself a gesture of soothing comfort.
    Something like:
    Patting or rubbing your shoulder.
    Gently stroking your arms.
    Placing one or two hands over your heart.
    One hand tenderly holding the other.
    Cradling your face in your hands.
    …or one that feels comforting to you!

  • While doing this, practice saying something like:
    “May I be kind to myself.”
    “May I give myself what I need.”
    “May I be strong and patient.”
    “May I forgive myself.”

  • Find what works for you!
    If one of these resonates with you, use it! If not, think about how you would comfort someone when they are struggling. How could you be with them? Let them know you are on their team, you understand, and that you care? Offer that same message to yourself!

Notice that all of these steps allow you be kind to yourself, validate what you are experiencing, and comfort yourself while being mindful.

Self-compassion is essential for dealing with difficult emotions – those unwanted emotions that you might want to avoid, resist, or react to. 

With self-compassion, you can soften the inner critic, soothe yourself, and allow yourself to be with any emotion.

When you can have your own back, you won’t rely on other people to do this for you! In fact, you will be able to receive comfort from others more openly when you are compassionate with yourself first!

Not only that, you will be able to be more compassionate towards others, which will deepen your connection with them and allow you to create stronger, healthier relationships.

The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself.

Learning to embrace yourself and your imperfections will give you the resilience you need to thrive. By doing this, you will become your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy.

Practicing self-compassion is a game changer!

TRUSTING OTHERS

Have you been told any of these myths about trust:

  • You either have it or you don’t.

  • Some people just can’t be trusted.

  • Don’t trust people too much.

  • If you trust others, they will hurt you.

  • Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.

Believing any of these things will only prevent you from building strong relationships and achieving greater success.

Great teams have one thing in common – they trust each other.

Trusting others is much simpler than it may appear on the surface.

You don’t have to know – or share – every little detail about yourself to trust someone.

Building trust with other people comes down to one thing – behavior.

More importantly, consistent behavior.

In any relationship, what you DO has far greater impact than anything you SAY.

“You can’t talk yourself out of a problem you’ve behaved yourself into.” – Stephen R. Covey

If you want other people to trust you, then you must behave consistently.

You must be reliable, credible, and dependable.

How can someone trust you to show up on time? By you showing that you show up on time – consistently.

How can someone trust you to execute a game plan? By you executing the game plan over an over again.

Actions really do speak louder than words!

Stephen M.R. Covey shares 13 behaviors that build trust. 

Remember that you must build trust with yourself first! Your ability to trust others – and have others trust you – is dependent on the trust you have established with yourself first.

This week, choose one of these 13 behaviors that you can focus on to build trust:

  1. Talk Straight (tell the truth & leave the right impression)

  2. Demonstrate Respect (genuinely care, show it with the little things)

  3. Create Transparency (declare your intent, don’t hide anything)

  4. Right Wrongs (apologize quickly, be humble, make restitutions)

  5. Show Loyalty (speak about others as if they were present)

  6. Deliver Results (make things happen, overdeliver)

  7. Get Better (learn, unlearn, relearn, get feedback)

  8. Confront Reality (resolve conflict, confront issues)

  9. Clarify Expectations (disclose, reveal, validate, ask)

  10. Practice Accountability (take responsibility for results, don’t blame)

  11. Listen First (seek to understand, use ears, eyes, and heart)

  12. Keep Commitments (say what you’ll do, do what you say)

  13. Extend Trust (abundantly and conditionally)

Choose one that you will do with yourself, and one you will do with someone else.

For example, you might decide you are going to keep your commitments to yourself. Maybe you have been wanting to work harder at practice. You might commit to beating the person right in front of you at practice whenever possible.

For someone else, maybe you decide you want to build more trust with your friends. You choose to show loyalty. You might commit to not talking about your friends unless they are in the room. This means you decide to not gossip; to opt out of drama.

Can you see how both of these would build trust?

Building trust is done one day at a time, one moment at a time.

The more you build trust with yourself, the more you will build trust with others. 

The more you trust, the faster you will succeed.

Your failures and mistakes will not define you, instead they will fuel you.

Being a trustworthy human, and being able to build trust quickly with others is a game changer!

KEEP WINNING

What is one thing that champions do more than anyone else?

They CELEBRATE more.

One final tool I want to leave you with is to celebrate everything!

Become outstanding at finding things to celebrate.

In every loss, there are wins. In every win, there are losses!

The question is, are you paying attention?

Do you pause to give attention to those little wins? Giving them the attention they deserve will allow them to create powerful change much faster!

It also makes the process much more FUN. 

The little things are the big things.

“Sometimes when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things, I am tempted to think – there are no little things.” Bruce Barton

When you can celebrate those small, seemingly insignificant steps, that is when you will start to gain the most momentum.

How can you celebrate more? Watch the Olympics! Every champion responds in a similar way to winning. 

Strong posture.

Emotion expressed.

Sounds of victory.

Giving a high five, pumping your fists, or simply saying “YES” is all it takes to celebrate. 

Celebrating something tells your body to repeat that thing. It is really just a matter of training yourself!

Celebrating is a reward. What is rewarded is repeated!

Never forget, you were born to WIN.

Your passion, drive, and commitment will take you places not many will go.

Emotions make you strong, not weak. So, express them.

Thoughts are the most powerful force in the universe. So, control them.

Trusting in yourself and others will allow you to get better faster. So, build trust.

Failure and defeat are only temporary experiences. So, don’t let them define you.

I hope you take a moment to recognize the growth you have experienced these past few months. What progress have you made? Limits you broke through? What has changed? 

More importantly, what’s next? What does your next level look like? 

As long as this program is around, you will have access to it! Let it be your guide. 

You have the ability to create anything you want in your life. 

I am proud of you. 

I believe in you. 

It has been an honor to coach you.

As a Game Changers graduate, we can continue working together in two ways: 

  • Individual 1-on-1 coaching

  • Group coaching (3 sessions per month)

There are big things in store for you.

Keep changing the game!

“The best way to predict the future is to create it.” – Abraham Lincoln.